Kind is Better Than Nice

Nice is saying things that feel and sound good, even if they are untrue.

Kind is saying things that may feel and sound harsh, especially if they are true.

IMHO, society has gone too far in optimizing for being nice.

A colleague asks for honest feedback on their presentation, and we do them a disservice by telling them it looks great. Then they bombed in front of the company because nobody dared to point out the inaccuracies and confusing transitions.

A friend asks if they have an gambling problem, and we do them the disservice of telling them it’s no big deal. Then they keep going, thinking nobody notices or it’s not impacting their health, relationships, or work.

Nice is easy.

But nice can be full of tiny white or big huge lies.

Kind can be easy (if it’s simultaneously nice and true).

But kind can also be really, really hard.

Nobody wants to stare their brother in the eyes and tell her that jail time may be just what he needs to get his life back in order. Nice can be a co-dependent enabler downplaying just how messed up the situation is to keep the peace.

Now my definition of kind doesn’t give license to being a heartless, perfectionistic asshole. You don’t need to tell a child their recital was ok, but here are 5-10 things you did wrong (and BTW, I would have rather stayed home to watch the NFL game). You don’t need to be a wet blanket.

But it could be telling your co-captain on the track team that you have the opportunity to be great, but they are horsing around too much on technique days or skipping too many strength workouts. If they truly want to meet their stated goal of winning the championship, they better get their act together and mean it. You are saying this out of kindness because you want to push them in the same way you want them to push you. Sure, it might be hard to hear, but nice won’t put points on the board or shave seconds off the personal best.

Kind may be hard to hear, but it shouldn’t be cruel. If anything, it can be bitter medicine given out of compassion rather than the temp high received from the magic pill of niceness.

You may disagree with this approach, and that’s fine.

However, I believe toxic positivity harms society over the long term more than nice, warm, and fuzzy feelings help in the short term.

I’m not a pro at this.

I’m a recovering people pleaser.

I was always trying to be the nice guy, all the time.

I was kind only when it just happened to be kind as well.

Now, I lean more into the hard conversations. My batting average is still not great. 50% of the time, I may take the easy way out. But I’m getting better each year.

I want to shout out to my friend Bryan, who helped me understand this concept a decade ago. It was a life-changing insight.